Parrot in Pink: Fashion & Lifestyle insights!

Discussing this subject about postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety is undoubtedly challenging for me. Reflecting on what were arguably the most difficult times of my life and then sharing those experiences with all of you is no easy task. Postpartum depression wasn’t even a term in my vocabulary until I found myself under the wraps with it. I never imagined I would become a victim of it, believing firmly that I am strong woman. But as it turned out, I was wrong.

While anxiety is a familiar presence in my family, experiencing postpartum anxiety was a whole new dark place. Let me be clear: it’s nothing like the anxiety I occasionally experienced before. Postpartum anxiety comes bundled with anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, helplessness, and desperate moments that leave you in tears. One of the peculiar aspects is the difficulty in deciding if it is even relevant; it’s challenging to pinpoint a single root cause for these feelings.

The initial moments of loneliness, sadness, and depression hit me during my first trimester, due to the extreme symptoms of pregnancy (you can read about it in detail on my previous blog: My First Pregnancy and Birth Story ). I optimistically believed that once this phase was over, everything else is going to be smooth. However, as they say, the fourth trimester, the first three months after giving birth, proved to be the most challenging physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. It’s no wonder that surrounding oneself with supportive family members during this time is highly recommended to help with both baby care and maternal well-being. Our parents were unable to come and help us during the first three months because we couldn’t get visas for them.

Once you’re home with the baby, the reality hits hard: your life is no longer your own—it belongs to this tiny human. Every action, every moment, even stealing a minute of sleep, every bite of food revolves around the baby.

When you are alone and the baby cries inconsolably in the dead of night because they can’t latch onto the breast for feeding, it feels like a nightmare. Enduring unbearable pain while nursing alone, without any female or family support in an empty house, while your husband tries to catch a few hours of sleep to be ready for his duties when you rest, is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

During the first month, I found myself in tears every single time my baby cried. Every breastfeeding session brought tears, and whenever I was alone in the nursery with the baby, feelings of helplessness and loneliness overwhelmed me, prompting non-stop tears. Despite continuously reminding myself that things would improve, the sense of loneliness was unending. I reached out desperately to other fellow mom friends, seeking companionship and understanding, looking for reassurance that I wasn’t going crazy, and clinging to the hope that things would indeed get better.

Being one of the first woman to have a baby in my close friends circle, there was honestly no one who could be there for me to guide me through the early challenges of motherhood. With no one but my husband and me to care for the baby, manage household chores, such as cleaning and laundry, wash dishes/breast pump/bottles, prepare meals, catch up on sleep, and tackle all the challenges of parenthood, we were left to drive through this journey alone. We turned to online resources like Reddit and Google to figure out how to handle various baby-related issues, exhausted but still full of new parent energy to ensure we were providing the best care for our little one by sticking to routines and following recommended practices for parenting.

You throw these shallow and shameful questions at yourself because you’re deep in a dark place. It becomes incredibly challenging to crawl out of that space. It was an unimaginable task, something nobody had prepared us for or taught us how to do. There was no one by our side to offer guidance or to say, “You can rest; I’ll take care of the baby.” Both of us were visibly exhausted, feeling like zombies as we struggled through each day. There were many instances when I found myself shouting at my husband for not cooking on time so that I could eat and produce enough milk for the baby.

Another contributing factor to the strain was the complete shift in dynamics with my husband. Suddenly, we lost touch. We weren’t sleeping together anymore, sharing meals, or even watching TV together.

In fact, in my case, we hardly even looked at each other’s faces because of the mountain of work we had to tackle. When I was awake, he slept, and when he was taking care of the baby, I slept. This disconnect added another layer of difficulty to an already challenging situation.

Despite the challenges, my husband and I repeated the same tasks day in and day out for the first three months, doing our best to navigate this new chapter of our lives. During this time, we were both deeply concerned about each other’s health. I vividly remember our continuous arguments about who should sleep and eat when, each of us fighting to ensure the other got some rest. My husband often took the baby to another room and slept on the floor prioritizing my need for uninterrupted sleep. However, in truth, there were moments when I felt that my husband’s care for me was solely from the realization of my importance in raising the baby. These feelings were a product of my depression, anger, and frustration, leading me to interpret even the most unconditional acts of love as something so negative.

Finding even the simplest tasks of everyday life, like taking a shower, going to the bathroom, eating food, or simply looking at yourself in the mirror, became incredibly challenging because I had to wait for the baby to sleep or for someone else to come and take care of the baby. These tasks required careful planning and coordination, adding to the overwhelming feeling of being constantly needed.

Postpartum depression also means even when you’re feeling really low, you still have to put on a smile for your baby. And when your baby smiles back at you, it can lift your spirits and give you the strength to be the great mom your baby deserves. Your baby can be your greatest source of hope during times of postpartum depression and anxiety.

So, that was essentially how my nine months unfolded, with slight improvements each month with first three being the most difficult ones.

Here’s a list of the feelings/emotions I essentially went through as a first-time mom during postpartum depression and anxiety:

1. Experiencing feelings of loneliness, helplessness, depression, and extreme anxiety, especially concerning the well-being of my baby.
2. Viewing everything from a negative perspective and always expecting the worst possible outcome like for example; It felt like my husband’s attention was solely focused on the baby, leaving me feeling frustrated and irritated.
3. Feeling neglected and unimportant, as everybody else, specially family, seems to care only about the child.
4. Finding it extremely insensitive of family members to overlook my feelings and only focus on the baby’s needs.
5. Being extremely worried about getting back to normalcy. Worrying that I wont be able to feel the freedom of doing anything anymore in my life.
6. Feeling constantly overwhelmed by being the center of everyone’s needs around the clock, which made it incredibly challenging to find any time for myself or to address my own needs.
7. Struggling with significant weight loss and lacking someone designated to cook proper postpartum meals, which became a concern for my health.

Here are 10 ways how I coped with postpartum depression and anxiety :

1. Truly accepting and acknowledging that I have postpartum depression and anxiety.
2. Embracing motherhood and accepting that this is my life for the time being, understanding that I was the most important person for the baby because no one else could fulfill my role.
3. Constantly reminding myself that things would get better, even when it felt overwhelming.
4. A husband who was constantly and consciously present, putting his own needs aside to care unconditionally for both me and our baby.
5. The baby, who constantly brought happiness and smiles throughout the day, even during the toughest moments.
6. A loyal dog who never left my side, providing me with comfort and the reassurance that I was never alone.
7. Sharing how I felt with fellow moms and friends, finding solace and support in their understanding.
8. Being open and expressive, allowing myself to cry in front of my husband to let out all my emotions.
9. Making sure to do little things for myself and not hesitating to ask for help when needed.
10. Maintaining hope and faith in the goodness of the future, believing that brighter days were ahead.

To all the fellow moms who are reading this and can relate to my experience, I want to share something hopeful: it does get better. After nine months, I saw a significant improvement in my situation, and I believe the same can happen for you. It might take some time, and it might feel like an uphill battle, but trust me, brighter days are ahead. You’ll start to find moments of joy and happiness. And you’ll learn to embrace the journey of motherhood, with all its ups and downs. And you are not alone, like me there are so many other moms out there who have been through similar journey, we see you. While your life may never be the same again, I can assure you that it will feel more whole and happier than ever before. Hold onto hope and know that brighter days are ahead.

Share this with another mom or dad or anyone who could use these words, and remind them they are not alone!